SquirtBit’s Shitlist 2010

A non-conformist list of 9 titles that every hardcore gamer should begin contemplating suicide over.

Mass Effect 2

Where most enjoyed the first instalment, I sat so awkwardly on the fence throughout the entire thing, that I’ve got a rectum littered with fucking splinters. This sequel looks set to talcum powder any issues I had with the first game, if not just for the personal benefit of me being able to get back on the fence. Possibility of a prolapsed haemorrhoid: likely.

Just Cause 2

Did you play the first game? I can’t recall the last time I felt so fucking outraged at a £12 price-tag. Trust me, there’s no “just cause” for releasing a sequel.

Bioshock 2

Yet another second instalment. Where’s all the creativity gone, you ask? Hopefully it’s gone back into recreating the stunning Atlantis that is Bioshock’s submerged utopia – we’ll have to wait and see. But fear not! Gamesuck will remain pessimistic for the entire duration of hype.

M.A.G.

“Massive Arse-ache of a Game”. 256 players online? Bets are on for that figure dropping come release (Suckazoid’s got fifty on it dropping below 200). We’ll also be laying odds on it having the Modern Warfare fuck-a-newbie control scheme.

Dante’s Inferno

Based on an overrated poem (kid you not), yet the only thing this has in relation to The Divine Comedy, is the fact you’ll be guffawing throughout. Have you seen the Lust section? Fuck a priestess – that’s enough to put you off the female genitalia for the rest of your gaming life; not that you were getting any in the first place, you acne-ridden, bone-idle, carbon-footprinting sacks.

Splinter Cell: Conviction

Oh, fuck off Sam Fischer. Everyone knows you’re just a shit Bourne minus the charisma. Actually, I suppose that’s quite an achievement in itself, what with Bourne being played by that gormless, non-provocative wax-model Mark Wahlberg Matt Damon.

Final Fantasy XIII

Whey, it’s finally coming out! It’s gotta be good, right? Right? Answer: once you get over the purty gwafix and nostalgic feel, it’s probably just another lifeless traipse through a distinctly bland sci-fi world that’ll take up more time than it took Darwin to write The Origin of the Species. Side-note to the 360 owners: you might want to take up a course in juggling about now, what with all the discs you’re going to be using come March. Average metacritic score: 98.

Metal Gear Solid: Peacewalker

Does anyone even use a PSP anymore? How fucking hard is it going to be to find three mates with PSPs and a copy of the game, just so you can play it properly? Honestly, what a load of industry-only wank. I can understand its release in Japan (what with the massively engrossing market that Monster Hunter has there), but Europe and America?

Super Mario Galaxy 2

As if Wii owners don’t suffer enough, Rollerball’s Energy Corporation Nintendo decide once again to release a single decent game that prevents me from selling that rotting white corpse of withered technology for another year. Let’s just fucking pray it’s waggle-free and hasn’t incorporated the losesomeweightyoufatfuck board.

This article was brought to you by Sir Charles Tanqueray.